I hear them laughing and talking down the hall. My heart is beating faster and faster by the minute as I take every step. Where can I go?-I don’t want them to see me. I want to be far away from them? My feet take me into the restroom. I sit in the stall. I twirl my hair in the mirror to pass the time but I stayed put until I heard their voices pass by me. I tip toe to peek around the corner to make sure it’s clear. Yes-their gone! I can breath now. I walk out the restroom with my body being clam and my mind clear but my eyes are fixed to the ground. Scared if I look up I might see them. I can’t take anther day hearing them say it!
Surprisingly I made it all day and didn’t run into them! Beep Beep..that was the bell for the last period. I walked quickly to my locker, got all my things and rushed to the bus. I wanted to be among the first to get on. As I made my way up the steps there they were. My eyes meet theirs and the leader of the pack yelled ” SMOKEY”. I rolled my eyes, put my head down and found a seat at the front of the bus.
I didn’t like my dark skin for a long time. To be honest I still have my moments but I’m asking God everyday to help me with that. You see, since I was a little girl this dark skin of mine got a lot of attention. Not the good attention but the bad kind when I was younger. Over these 32 years I’ve heard things like:
- Smokey( Chris Tucker in the movie Friday)
- You’re pretty for a dark skin girl
- If you are dark skin you should always have long hair. Short hair wouldn’t look good on you.
- You’re pretty but….
Hearing these things, some since elementary school, did a number on my self -esteem. I always feel that I’m not enough. I not only had to deal with the name calling, I also was extremely bullied all throughout my childhood. I was a very shy and timid kid who didn’t speak up for herself. This is why I developed an addiction to APPROVAL . I wanted to do whatever someone told me in hopes that they would like me. Knowing someone didn’t like me was a huge burden and brought a lot of depression in my life.Most of the time I didn’t even know why these people didn’t like me! And I’ve carried so much of this pain with me for so long. I have made great progress but I want to truly break free from this bondage. I read something on Instagram that said
“ Don’t worry if people don’t like you .Most people are struggling to like themselves.”
So beautiful dark girl/ woman love and take care of yourself! Look in the mirror and give yourself a compliment. Tell yourself what you like about you! Uplift yourself everyday! God didn’t make any mistakes when he created you! Walk away from any negativity today and surround yourself with positive people. Don’t let what happened in your past to define you! Ask God everyday to heal the wounds of the past. He is here to help us everyday. I’m refuse to take it to heart when people don’t accept me. Look at it as there is people out there that will give you so much love that it will pour out of you! You are black girl magic with so much in you! I know they tried to break you but you are still here! I’m telling you I have my moments but I have to lean on God and his word. No weapon formed against me with prosper!!!! None!!! I rebuke low self-esteem ..you have to much greatness in you to let that overtake your mind and your spirit!
So beautiful, intelligent, classy, caring, strong dark girl go out and change this world!!!
P.S listen to Wale’s song called Black is GOLD! and look up this documentary called Dark Girls. I’m sure you can find it on youtube! This movie digs really deep into the lives of darker skinned girls. I was in tears when I watched it. I actually watched it with my family and I felt for the first time they understood my pain.
Peace and Blessings